I hate love! I've always craved the feeling but all its done is totally screw me. Instead of feeling good, all its done is compound my vulnerabilities and insecurities and enhance my sense of worthlessness because I dont feel I deserve Hina. Life was fine before all this. I had music and I had work. Didnt need to think about anything. Now all I do is worry about where she is and what she's doing. Just because I love her? Love is not for the mentally unstable; and I'm as unstable as they get.I've never been insanely jealous and possessive about anything.Not even when I knew Lea liked Thomas and not me.Love is like the worst form of quaalude there is. The downers are crushing.

Dont blame me, I tried my best to dissuade her. Kept telling her that I wasnt worth it because I knew I was too mistrusting for love. I'd been ok if she had walked away then and as usual, I'd have revelled in my favorite pastime of self-pity and being a martyr. I fear its to late now. Sometimes I just want to call her and tell her its over because I cant take it any more. But I can't. There's this bond that refuses to break. I know I wanna spend te rest of my life with her but am afraid that I wont be able to make her happy. The I thought the ring would make her change her mind. She decided to go ahead and wear it. A normal human being would've realised this as a sign of love. Then again, when was I ever normal?

I'm so afraid of being hurt. I hoped to God she'd tell me early on that she'd found someone else but that didnt happen. Now I dread it. All I do know is that I love her enough to see her happy with nyone else. In what semblance I live after that is another matter altogether.

I've started wishing I was dead again. What an ungrateful asshole I am. Yet I've always hated myself passionately so whats new? I just dont wanna wake up in the morning..... Oh how I wish I could have my memory erased so that I could have her out of my mind totally. The thought pains me like daggers now but what do I do? what choice do i have? If only I want such a coward to go that extra inch and end myself. I may go to hell after that but at least this present hell'll be out of the way.